I’ve been gone quite a while huh? dang… so much has happened, but really, I’m still in the same spot. Just a year older, still without my kids with, but now with the heartbreaking addition of not being allowed to see them, which kills me inside. It’s hard for me to fathom any sound reason as to why anyone would want to deny a loving mother, who wants nothing more than to be a part of their lives; to give them the love only their mother can give them, such precious time with her children.
I went through my divorce trial and judge gave my ex the power to decide when i can have unsupervised visits. but I’m not even getting the supervised visits with my kids i should be because i cant afford a professional supervisor and I don’t think most people could at $75 an hour when I looked into it , I can barley afford to take care of myself and the judge ruling for me not to receive spousal support (despite the fact that i was a stay at home mom for the entire length of out 13 year marriage from ages 18-30 which really set me back in being able to know what I’m doing by myself finically something I’ve had no experience with what so ever ever in my life so I don’t get that at all) and pretty much only giving the reason because my ex had filed for child support from me (again when he knows I can hardly afford to take care of myself) that it would pretty much end up canceling each other out so we should just both drop our cases which we both did, I did reluctantly knowing that I could really use the support from him to finally get my life together and be stable enough to not only seek being in my children’s life’s like i am at the moment but be able to seek having them 50% of the time which is really what i want to see happen but the way things look at the moment is never going to happen ill be lucky to even visit them until there 18 and there dad can’t tell them what to do. with my kids being teenagers and that not being all that far away. i was those kids primary care giver there entire life’s 24/7 for 13 years and now I’m not good enough. i have struggled with addiction which there father has as well but I’m not gong to put my kids into any danger. and trying to see things from there fathers point of view (which i know really isn’t hes just using this to hurt me because hes still bitter i left him.) and tried to find countless supervisors from family , family friends , to my last employers ( an elderly couple i was giving live in caregiving to for a few moths earl this year ending right as covid struck our lives.) but none of those options are good enough for him always stating that he thinks i need a professional supervisor which he knows is not necessary because when we had our open cws case our last supervisor bosting to them how i was a natural mother and was always prepared with snacks and stuff to do with my kids planned out for every visit. but no so the only way to see my kids is to pay, i think that is so not right making a parent have to pay to see there own child the chikd they carried for 9 mothes and raised pretty much alone for most there lives while there dad was at work. something that should be a god given right unless the parent is unfit which ive never been never have done anything but be a good mother to mychildren ive never given them one reason to take me out oif there lives except for me struggling with addiction which reslly wasnt affecting my kids all that much (not as true for there dad struggle with addiction which ended up starting our cws case i wasnt even there the night the incident happened which brought our family into this fucked up system)i never was a bad parent to them in any sort of way never put them into danger of any kind. i dont know what to say i just get so overwhelmed just thinking about the whole situation. i cant fix it either because of lack of financial stablilitty collecting unemployment at the moment litteraly $334 every 2 weeks no where to live staying in hotels when i can afford or in my car which broke down this week as well so who knows where ill be now once this hitel stay runs out monday with it being saturday night with me sitting here righting this.ahhhhhhhhh its so overwhelming i just want to curl in a ball and cry forever cause i dont feel like there is anyway out anyway tofix this shit show i have for a god damn life. if anyone has any suggestions im open for suggestions im open to hear them ill try to keep yall posted on this current situation with my kids cause i have not and will never give up. nomatter how much easier that would be i wont. i promise you that not until im dead.
I’ve started a go fund me campaign in hopes it might help me in my journey. if you are able to help me in anyway no matter how small it will be greatly appreciated and i always pay it forward when my luck is up! 💕
Being Becca 